Friday, March 19, 2010

Surgery? Was it The Right Answer?

We arrived at the hospital with time to spare and was crammed in a waiting room with many many other people in there. Everyone had the same look on their faces. The "waiting to get surgery" face. You can't mistake the fear mixed with emotion, mixed with repulsion, mixed with exhaustion. It is unmistakeable. I found myself giving the empathetic look all around the room of which I was receiving back. People from all walks of life having all different surgeries but the underlying feeling is the same no matter who you are or what you are having done. Finally my name was called and Marie wheeled me to the desk and then ultimately to another desk and my holding room/cell. They were asked to say their goodbyes and I was taken to pre op holding to sit on surgery row on stretchers with literally 50 other people. Each patient had their own "staff" of a nurse anesthetist and the anesthesiologists and just people in scrubs and hats standing talking almost everywhere you look. All of it was making me quite uneasy. The Nurse Anesthetist asked me tons of questions and then she gave me something to help me relax. After that I had no idea of anything that went on from that time forward. Next thing I knew I was opening my eyes and looking at Bob staring down into my face in my room. Mom was there and she was looking at me with caring eyes and then Alayna who had the look of absolute horror on her face. I just wanted to reach out and hold her but my body wouldn't work- nothing was working. I couldn't even hold my eyes open. So after each snooze I opened my eyes to all three of them looking at me. They woke me up to tell me they were leaving and would see me later. Alayna would not go anywhere near me to say goodbye. Hours later when I woke up for good my leg felt like a piece of cement. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all but getting the pain under control. Nothing they gave me helped. I ended up with a Morphine PCA (or a pain pump that I could control myself) I really thought I had found the answer to the pain but it caused my heart race and race so I ended up having to take Ativan (anti-anxiety medicine) with it. This is not what I signed up for. Did I make the right decision? I dont know if surgery was the right answer for me?

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